Living each day at a time
by Banscherus
Summary: How can a person live his life when everything else fails him? Ranma tries to find the answer to this.
1. Default Chapter

Well first of all, you all know I don't own Ranma ½, it is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and companies that own the rights. That out of the way here's the fic:

A bird was singing in the air that morning, that foggy morning, I can still remember the sound of that bird, the smell of the forest around me as I stood beside oyaji, waiting for him to finish the pit, hoping this new training would turn me into an invisible man, boy was I ever wrong….

But I'm getting way ahead of this; this story doesn't begin there, no, no, really. It starts a little way back, at the village we last visited, it was a common one like most of the ones we've been to before, some dust roads, a few thatched houses with grey walls, a small market selling produce and meat and food and stuff I didn't know the use for back then; and then, in a small forgotten store near the end of the road there it was, a dirty looking building with no distinct features to tell it apart from the houses and stores back, if not for the door, that heavy door oyaji had trouble opening to step inside.

I thought it was a place out of a fairy tale, there were chests and crates lying all over the floor, a few yellowish scrolls on the shelves, a dirty window that didn't let any light come inside giving the store a feel of something out of this world, of a forgotten castle, a forbidden sanctuary. And the man, the man scared me then and his eyes still haunt me to this days in my nightmares, white eyes, eyes whit no pupils to speak of, and despite that eyes that stared right at me, seeming to measure me, and in that precise moment, I felt as little as I was, I forgot my training and my strength, I was just a little child again, staring at the eyes of a demon ready to eat me alive.

Then, it was over, he turned and talked to oyaji and gave him a few papers I couldn't know back then, and we were leaving the store behind, with the smell of rotten paper and decomposing crates, with it's scary owner and those chest that stayed closed for seemingly forever.

And it was then that this nightmare began without my knowing it, with the challenge oyaji gave me of collecting cats, of digging a pit, of getting more cats, a game I thought it was, and for some time there I was happy, happy because oyaji had finally allowed me to play as I'd seen all those other children play before, and I was smiling and jumping and yelling and laughing, I was happy, I liked cats and I got to play with them, ever since then I haven't known happiness again, I doubt I can….

Then the pit was over and oyaji threw me inside, with some inspiring words, the first words he told me to motivate me, the first words that showed me he cared, he loved me….

The last words of the kind I heard from his mouth….

I don't actually remember most of the training, neither how many times I was thrown inside, but I do remember the pain, the only thing I wished to forget was engraved on my mind, until the day I die I'll remember that pain, the scratches, the bites, the mewling sounds that would soon become my nightmares, and I do remember the sight in oyaji's eyes, the disappointment, the hate I could see flutter in his eyes… and I hated my self for it, I hated myself for not being strong enough to please him, for not being able to deal with the pain….

I cried while the training endured, I awoke everyday to the songs of birds and I don't like them to this day, I don't like the birds because when they sing it's time to start the training again, because when they sing I was thrown into the pit, without hope for escape and I hate them….

And I don't remember when it all ended, I don't remember how I escaped the pit or why I ended at that old woman's house sleeping on her lap with oyaji nowhere in sight and the time since then until oyaji came for me is like one of those cheap gaijin movies where you just watch scenes and flashes of light, but this time it was darkness, as if I fell asleep, flashes of darkness between various scenes I found no connection of, I still don't.

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Each day at a time

A Ranma ½ Fanfiction

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When I finally awoke it was like something had been taken from me, back then I didn't know what it was, now I think it was a piece of my soul; I lost some part of me in the pit, and I lost another part when oyaji came for me, and his eyes were cold and distant and his smiles were stranger, and less frequent, but the training had to continue, and the training continued for a long time almost ten years after the pit my training continued, almost ten years after the pit, and I still can't finish the training….

The praise became less, the insults more, the beatings when I couldn't learn a technique fast enough turned into almost daily ones, the taunts became harshest, the offense of being called a girl more common, and above all, the same phrase he told over and over again, the same "how you disgrace your mother"; and I started to lose my love for her also, because it was her who sent me in his care, and ultimately it was her who pushed me into the pit.

And I saw the children play whenever we made a stop, and I remember my classmates playing together when I was at school, but I never got to play, I was always the new boy, the odd boy. And since then I couldn't make any more friends, Ucchan was one of them, I thought Ryoga was another, I was wrong as everything before, I was wrong when I thought Ucchan cared for me as a friend when he, no, not he, she lied to me. And then Ryoga despised me, he hated my guts because oyaji took me from that field, from that duel of honor, the first one I'd had, the last one I'd know.

And I started feeling bitter, as if I was always eating a lemon or something, the bad taste just wouldn't go away, even when we crossed over most of Japan there was always a feeling of badness around me, a feeling that I couldn't place and I don't think I can now, something like loneliness but deeper, like never belonging to any place, like never being good enough as to live with other people despite how much I want to.

But I'm getting off track there, I felt it but it wasn't something new, no, I really should be talking about Ucchan first, I remember the day we saw her yattai standing by the road, the smell of freshly cooked okonomiyaki, although then it meant only food to me, the idea of pop's that I should challenge him to a battle while he took some food for us, and I did, I challenged Ucchan and beat her thoroughly, she never stood a chance, but then oyaji was caught by his father and I thought we wouldn't eat then, but then he gave us some food while smiling and laughing about what a strong boy I was, and eyeing me like some piece of property to be owned, the same way everybody looks at me now, I didn't like it then, I don't like it now….

But we got to eat, and we again ate the next day when I beat Ucchan and the next and the next, and so on. And then Ucchan made some kind of silly sauce that I dropped when I tried to taste it, and I met the gambling king and lost not only the okonomiyaki yattai but the Tendo dojo as well, and I chose okonomiyaki over Ucchan, goes to show how I felt then, I thought food was more important than a friend, don't get me wrong I do like food a lot, but now I know I should have chosen Ucchan, not for the engagement, but because with him, her, I still have some trouble thinking of Ucchan as a girl, because with her I could evade this loneliness, and who knows? I could know happiness.

So we left with me aboard Ucchan's yattai and waving to him, saying goodbye while he ran behind us calling for us to stop and take him along, and I didn't know why, I didn't want to know why, but we left him behind, and the trip began anew, with nothing but loneliness ahead….

And so we traveled again, the yattai was sold after a little while, after oyaji realized neither of us could cook okonomiyaki he sold it, and bought sake with it, and I started to dislike Ucchan little by little, because Ucchan gave us that yattai and it was the yattai that turned oyaji drunk, and when oyaji was drunk he hit me more often, he hit me harder, faster, he insulted me and called me a weak girl and asked the heavens why I was such a weak son, and the heavens didn't answer, neither could I.

But after a while the only constant in my life returned and we moved on, always leaving someplace, usually running away from some angry people, and we escaped, boy were we good at escaping back then, I wonder why I can't do it now, what did I lose in all this time that I can't run away now?

And the years passed, I knew some other boys that also got left behind, and I knew loneliness again, I knew the pain of never belonging to a group, and I realized right then that I'd never had a friend, until I met Ryoga, he was such an odd guy, just like me, always alone, always traveling, and I thought I had found a real friend, a friend that would know what I felt and would accept me because of it, but he didn't, he accused me of stealing the bread even when I gave him half of it, he accused me of being a dishonorable bastard even when I walked him to his house everyday after school so he wouldn't get lost, I didn't make fun of him for it back then because I wanted, no I needed, a friend and he was there, and I liked him as a friend, and I lost him….

He challenged me to a fight at the lot behind his house, and I accepted, maybe I shouldn't have accepted but I did, and I waited, it was a common empty lot the likes of which I've seen a lot over the years, with some patches of grass but mostly dirt covering it, a few scattered construction materials forgotten, left behind when the house was built with nothing to do but rot away in the sun, a few old wooden planks, a tall fence that was rotting under the rain, and the loneliness of never being someone around, the lack of another person to talk to.

And when he didn't come the first day I waited, and when the second day rolled by I stood there, defiant and strong, waiting for a duel of honor oyaji told me to accept and win, and then came the third day, with my body too tired as to remain standing, with me feeling so hungry that I could barely see anything in front of me, but I waited and waited until the afternoon came and oyaji dragged me away, I didn't give much of a fight, I couldn't give much of a fight, I was tired and I hadn't ate, and my legs felt sluggish and my arms heavy, and so oyaji took me away from this duel of honor despite he telling me that I should wait for Ryoga to come, and I didn't see him show up the fourth day, a fact I'd knew later, but I felt I had lost, I lost the endurance challenge, I couldn't wait while he did, and I ran away when he was there, since that day I promised myself I wouldn't lose again, I wouldn't let anyone or anything beat me, silly me, after so many years of fighting I finally faced a lost years later, and I finally accepted I couldn't fight, but that is not to come yet.

And we walked to another town, then another and another, meeting so many people, but I didn't make any friends, I couldn't make any friends, they were not martial artists, they were not as good as me, so I never tried to make any friends.

And after so many days we reached the sea, I was captivated by it, that large body of water, so much water and so many fishes that could be inside, and if there were fish then I could eat, I was pretty good at catching fish, only that I didn't fish right then, oyaji left me behind while he went ahead and tried to get a boat or something, and I was left alone on the beach, with strangers surrounding me completely, a lost boy whose parents had forgotten about him, and I saw children play with their folks and mothers ease the cries of their little ones, and I remembered my own mother, her eyes full of compassion looking at me as if I was the most important thing in the world to her, and then I realized it all had to be faked, it all had to be a lie, because if she loved me then I had to be with her instead of oyaji, because if she loved me then I could have had friends and go to school and play with other children and I could still like cats….

So I walked, trying to imagine why she would throw me away, why she didn't want me with her when I was her child, and I didn't get an answer in the way I was looking for, but I found what back then I thought was an angel, now I know he was nothing but a bum, a vagrant with no home except the streets and no roof but for the stars, and I saw me in his eyes, and I realized I could very well be him in another life, so I approached him and talked, and in his hands was a little piece of cloth he toyed with a lot, a treasure he kept to remind him of happier times, he told me, and I trusted him, because I had seen treasures before, I had seen a store full of treasures that brought only nightmares, and when I saw him talking to a wall when addressing me I realized he was blind, as blind as I was before the pit, for I didn't know fear back then and I did at that moment, I realized I was lucky when he told me his own folks had thrown him to the streets since he was but a child, and we talked about loneliness and friends, and we discovered neither of us had someone we could call friends, and he offered me to be his friend and he would be mine until I no longer wanted him to be my friend and I said yes, I finally had a friend that would not look down at me, and I was happy for a bit back then.

I returned and talked to him for a bit everyday, he was my friend even if he didn't have anything to offer and I was the same. But again oyaji took me away without giving me a chance to say good bye, and I saw him on the beach when I turned my head back, he was there smiling and waving as if he could see me swimming away, and so I swam faster, I was happy, because my friend didn't forget me, he even came and said goodbye to me without asking for anything.

And we swam, and I started to dislike the sea, the same sea I loved so much before was now one of the things I disliked the most, nothing but water around, no food until we reached china, no rest for my body, no sights for my eyes, and I saw whales and dolphins swimming below us, sometimes along us, but I couldn't be happy, my friend was left behind and I was alone again, alone with oyaji.

I thought Japan was bad, China was ten times worst, I didn't know the language and that made the fact of making any friends nearly impossible, do we only walked and ate when we could, usually game or fruits we found in the forests, until we reached Jusenkyo and my dislike to water turned into hate.

Oyaji always told me a girl was weak, oyaji always told me I had to train hard so I wouldn't become a girl, and this same training turned me into one, complete with the body set. And oyaji just cried and lamented his luck until the guide told us the curses were reversed with hot water, then he shut up and gained a kind of glimmer to his eyes, love I wanted to say, care I desperately needed to see, but months later I discovered it was something else.

And when we came to the amazon's village I felt even littler, what with a girl trying to kill me just because I was better, just because she wasn't as god at martial arts as she thought she was.

And the weeks of running, the weeks to reach the shore, to swim back to Japan and find Nerima, and I felt even smaller when two of the girls I was supposed to be married to turned me down at first sight, all because of this damned curse I thought at first, but now I realize it was because I was cursed, not cursed to turn into a girl, but cursed to never be loved.

So I embraced Akane's offer to be friends, so I tried to protect her from everything that could harm her, be it Kuno with his poetry, Mikado with his kisses, Toma and his want for a bride, or Saffron and his hunger for power.

I defeated Ryoga time and again so he couldn't take Akane from me, I fought Happosai even when oyaji was scared of him so he wouldn't make Akane hate me, I faced Taro and Cologne so Akane would be safe, the Orochi almost killed me but Akane smiled to me, and I loved that smile if not the person smiling, I loved the way her eyes twinkled in the light, the way she laughed so free, so happy for the future, and I tried to become a man for her, to stop being this child, and this half man, to become that which she wanted, but I never was good enough to be something I'm not.

And the way she made me feel scared me, because I felt the same with mother and she turned me away, because I felt if I stopped being what I was she wouldn't smile at me, she wouldn't want me at all. So I went along with the wedding, and I would say yes, I was ready to marry the tomboy; because she was my tomboy and no one else's!

And I saw her walk down the aisle, saw her smile under a face full of fear and I knew I loved her, I knew I'd give my life to her in an instant but I couldn't I wasn't allowed to. Shampoo and Ucchan came to break the wedding, trying to kill Akane, and the Kuno siblings came, one trying to marry me, the other wishing to kill, then Happosai drank the water that would cure me of this curse, and oyaji helped him. 

And when I was most desperate my mother started screaming at them to stop, and at me to protect Akane, never caring about what wounds I would get. And Kasumi stood to one side with her sight far away and muttering something about unwanted guests, and Soun was crying his eyes out instead of trying to help.

So I fought them again, I fought for my tomboy, for my uncute fiancée, for the girl I loved, and when the fighting was over I was left alone in the dojo, nobody else was near, the priest had run, Soun and oyaji had gone, mother was inside trying to calm Akane down for seeing 'her' wedding ruined, Kasumi was inside serving tea….

And I was left alone, inside the dojo where I should have married my Akane, hurt, wounded, bleeding and alone, left to die.

And when my strength returned I saw Nabiki standing at the gate to the dojo, looking at me as if I was the cause of all this mess and told me to clean up the place, told me she thought I could've stopped those idiots from destroying her little sister's wedding, told me I better make up to Akane or she would have my hide in an instant.

And I knew she had sold me out, she had sold Akane out for a little money, and I felt rage, I felt hate, I wanted to kill her, but I didn't I couldn't harm someone who could not fight back….

…So I ran away….

And I met him, the same bum, he was near the dojo, he told me he wished to at least hear his friend's wedding, he wanted to see his friend happy, and then the tears came out, he was indeed my only friend, he was the only one who wanted me to be happy, and when I told him all that happened he just laid there, with his white eyes unseeing, and his chest unmoving, he had died, then I realized, he had died and the last thing he wanted of this life was to see his friend happy.

So I took his treasure, I'm sure he'd want his friend to have it, and it's contents surprised me, it was only a large claw, maybe of a tiger, not valuable at all….

A treasure that was mine now….

I continued running, trying to drown out the voice that told me to go back and face my responsibilities, trying to ignore the voices that told me nobody wanted me, the sounds of my heart beating faster and seeming to ask for revenge.

No, I'm not a killer; I would not go back and destroy those that had caused me pain.

But I would run, I will run, I won't come back until I've found a reason to be alive, until I find the way to make Akane happy.

And then I will see her smile at me, and will hear her say she loves me.

And I will be happy.

But until then it's time to train again, time to live each day at a time….

A.N.: Well there it is! An idea I had a while ago when inspiration on other things simply fled me, hope you like it.

Bans… off!


	2. Chapter 2

I don't understand it, I just can't imagine how this trip turned in something I never intended to do, how my breather suddenly became another training trip..

I don't understand how I ended running away..

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Each day at a time

A Ranma ½ Fanfiction

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I know I promised myself not to run, I know I gave my word when I saw oyaji escape from his problems that I would not, could not do the same thing, how I chose to pay instead of skip at a restaurant, how I chose to face the fear of the neko-ken instead of trying to forget it, even when I knew I'd never forget that, but then I ended doing what I desired not to.

I ran away from Nerima, I ran away from those trying to kill me, from the amazons and my father, from the Kuno's and my mother, I even ran way from Akane.

Akane. my Akane. heh I still can't believe it, I've been thinking so much of that flat chested uncute tomboy, and despite the memories of her hitting me, of her face so often clouded by anger I need but only a small effort to remember her smile and her shining eyes looking up at me, her cute face when I saved her from Saffron..

Yes I miss the tomboy, can you blame me? For the past year, almost a year at least, I've lived for her, to protect her from anything that'd get her hurt, and now I ran away and left her behind, with those brown eyes seeming sadder than I remembered and that mouth cursing my very existence, even when I know she didn't mean those things, even when I know she cared deeply inside, somewhere between all the rage and anger she cared for me as much as I did care for her, but still I ran away..

I remember the explosives, the eyes on Shampoo's and Ucchan's faces as I was about to marry Akane, the loneliness I felt when mother demanded me to stop the fighting, when she yelled at those attacking to stop, the cold of the wind blowing through the recently collapsed walls and the sight of a priest praying for his life.

The vacant eyes of Kasumi, the blank stare of Nabiki, the pained sight of Akane, it was too much, almost too much to live on, but suicide would just be an easy escape, the same way oyaji would have taken if given the chance, if he was not so much of a coward, so instead of killing myself, of ending all this pain cutting me down, I ran, I fled from the pain and the hurt, from the memories of brown eyes and sweet smiles, from the smell of wooden walls and old tatami mats, I ran away from Akane.

And now I regret it, after all that happened, after all those senseless fights and all those opponents trying to take her away from me, after seeing her swim with more floaters that you can count, after her hair got cut and her crush on Tofu devastated. I left her..

But it won't be for long, not if I can help it, the cure should be, must be, out there somewhere, and maybe, by the time I find it, I'd find peace as well, and when that peace comes to me, I'll go back and I'll marry my tomboy, and I'll see her smile everyday, and I'll hear her say she's glad of seeing me, I'll hear her say that she missed me, and then, I'll find happiness.

Meanwhile I have to just walk, to try and control this raging hatred running inside me, I feel it even now, inside my own veins, asking for payback, for revenge, but I can control it, I will control it. otherwise I'm afraid it might control me..

And I cannot quit this fight, I cannot give myself the lust of losing control, a control I have fought for every day since the pit, everyday since I opened my eyes and felt fear of those damnable c. c.ca. those things..

I won't give into this desire, because that's not me, because I can be anything but a quitter, I haven't lost a serious fight in years, I won't lose this one.

Let the people talk, let them call me a coward for running away, what do they know about me anyways? They just saw whatever they wished to see, but I will show them who Saotome Ranma really is! Let them think whatever they want, I'm not afraid of nothing! And someday, maybe, I'll be able to say it and really mean it..

The days are hard on my tired body and the night's cold but I can feel it, I can feel a little bit of control returning to me everyday I train, with every drop I sweat; never thought meditation could be useful for something besides falling asleep. Heh actually I never thought of meditation at all, but I guess that is the only way to reach control now, to find myself inside this tide of random thoughts and images, inside this feeling of despair, of hatred, and I will do it, even if it takes my whole life.

But the loneliness is starting to drive me crazy, yes I've been alone before but never for so long, never this alone; there was always oyaji, or some old master there to keep me company, always someone I could talk to even if the only answer I got was a grunt or a kick, it doesn't matter, really, I mean, this fear has been growing and it makes me feel alone even when I'm around people so what's new with feeling that way when I'm actually alone?

Only Akane was ever able to drive this feeling away, when I was near her it was like, I don't know, like I had found a part of me that was missing since before I realized I had lost it. Well I feel not whole now that's for sure, but I just couldn't expose her to the danger of me losing control of my emotions, who can know what would happen if I ever started fighting like Ryoga without care for the bystanders looking? I don't like to think about it, with my luck I'd ended killing someone..

I've been walking a lot since yesterday, or was that the day before? I don't really know, and don't care enough to go into a town and ask the date, it was just another day, or week of walking, I don't want to approach the sea right now as they'd be looking for me there, if they're even looking that is.

Well, I feel like this thing has disappeared, no, not disappeared but has hidden itself somewhere inside of me, I steel feel the rage whenever the wedding comes to my mind, but it no longer seems so big, at least I no longer want to kill those around me..

 Great it has started to rain, I could almost swear there's some Kami out there laughing at me, it doesn't matter, maybe it was time I started training in this body more seriously, I haven't trained it since that phoenix pill thingy and I'm afraid it'll become too weak to fight seriously if the need ever arose.

Well it's time to get back to training, maybe tonight I'll dream of Akane's smile again, god I like those dreams a lot..


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